Dinner time at our house comes with a very specific problem. His name is Julius. For those who don’t know, Julius is our umbrella cockatoo, and despite nobody ever explaining this to him, he is firmly convinced that anything Christa and I eat also belongs to him.

There is no “our dinner.”

There is only Julius’ dinner that we happen to be holding.

Which is why, every once in a while, His Majesty has to spend dinner behind bars. You would think we had committed a crime against birdkind.

The second food comes out, Julius starts watching. He knows exactly what’s happening. He sees the plates. He smells the food. And most importantly, he sees two people eating it without consulting him first.

Unacceptable!

So, there he sits in his cage, staring at us like a wrongfully convicted man serving 25 to life for a crime he didn’t commit. Meanwhile, his actual food is sitting approximately six inches away. Doesn’t matter. We have people food. And Julius wants people food. Every bite is met with judgment. Every trip of the fork from the plate to our mouths is another betrayal. Occasionally you’ll look over and catch him gripping the bars like he’s already planning the prison break.

To be clear, Julius is not starving. Julius has never been starving. Julius eats better than some grown men I know. But try explaining that to a cockatoo watching you eat dinner while he’s been denied access to your plate.

So tonight, Julius remains incarcerated.

His charges?

Attempted theft.

Conspiracy to steal dinner

Being entirely too interested in what’s on my plate.

And absolutely zero remorse. Parole will be considered once dinner is over. Until then, thoughts and prayers for Julius during this incredibly difficult time.